Managing others' behaviour begins with managing ourselves

There are times when the behaviour of others is unacceptable. Sometimes we pass comment upon their actions, at other times we're reluctant to do so, letting inappropriate conduct slide or holding our tongue for 3 reasons - (a) we feel uncomfortable; (b) we don't know what to say; or (c) we tell ourselves the outcome isn't worth the risk of getting it wrong.

This is not what skilled negotiators or Leaders do

What makes them different? And how do they command others to deliver higher standards of professional behaviour?

When a colleague does something wrong, skilled negotiators experience the same feelings as you or I. They feel disappointed, frustrated or upset, even angry. But they don't show it because outbursts at work spell disaster, damaging reputations, marking us as emotionally immature and reducing peer respect. Emotional explosions are avoided at all costs.

Leaders tell others to behave. They express emotions appropriately, commanding the other person to perform a task or process differently, all the time appearing calm and in control. They've learnt to apply some very simple techniques.

Your feelings are internal and that's the best place to deal with them - for the moment. Do not let negative feelings escape. I work very hard to contain mine being expressed in a professional situation for one reason - it helps me to win. If I sense myself becoming exasperated, frustrated or angry about a situation, here's what I do.

I blink.

Literally. For a split second, I draw focus back into myself and allow my internal voice to say, "This person is a cretin," or something stronger. Use any expression that helps you vent feelings internally and quickly move on.

Then I blink again, re-focus on their eyes and breathe out. My breathing is measured, my voice calm, deeper in pitch. I become very, very determined. Nothing stops me stating what he/she is now going to do. I have practised this pre-technique routine until it works every time in dealing with negative emotions in any setting. Any fears of appearing slightly intimidating (not my intention) are offset by the increased attention of other person. Now I'm ready to use a simple 5-step technique:

Speak From The Head

Let's use the example of someone who is habitually late for a meeting - a low level conflict situation I'm sure you have encountered. The bold text is the constant principle and the regular italic type relates to this specific example. Say the following:

The second step describes the impact of their behaviour, linking cause and effect - i.e. as a result of "this" we get "that".

The third step confirms you're serious.

The fourth step engages the other person and asks for their input, a key step to gaining their commitment to any outcome. It gives them a chance to explain their actions. {They may have a genuine reason for being late in this instance.}

The fifth step allows you to re-direct their behaviour. Complete Step 4, discussion of the issue, before concluding with Step 5. Remember, you want them to act, not respond further - make your short statement after the discussion.

An effective mantra

Speak From The Head is a simple mantra that allows you to control your feelings. Linking cause-and-effect makes it easier for the listener to understand what they've done. It's short, so you can remember it, and pass the message without becoming distracted or defensive. It allows you to assert yourself with dignity.

This technique offers so many benefits... here are a few to consider:

        *  It feels good to control our emotions and not lose it in the heat of the moment. By the way, if you still hold negative feelings, get out of the environment. Go somewhere private and debrief. Speak out the emotions you feel, breathe deeply, and conclude by telling yourself that you've resolved the issue.

        *  When emotions rise, you only need remember 14 words (the ones in bold type). That's efficient. And easy to do.

        *  If you feel uncomfortable with conflict (and many people do), acknowledge your achievement in having the courage to speak up about something, given the nature of the other person and the situation.

        *  Your partner is much more likely to listen to what you're saying and less likely to defend their actions. This reduction in tension allows them to engage in talking with you. The effect upon the listener can be profound, as participants at our Negotiation Seminars often discover. {We'll show how to leverage this technique even further and how to respond if your partner becomes evasive or dismissive.}

        *  You build stronger relationships by reinforcing acceptable standards of behaviour. Remember those Teachers you most respected in school? They were the ones who consistently demanded excellence of you. The same lesson applies in our working lives, too.

        *  Others notice your actions and evaluate your performance more favourably.

It's just one of the 20-plus techniques to positively modify behaviour in our Negotiation Seminars to get what you want. If you practise this technique you'll soon discover it flows easily.

Professional life often challenges our own conduct. Speak From The Head enables you to manage your own emotional behaviour before managing the other person's behaviour, and then re-direct more effective outcomes. It's what smart negotiators and Leaders do.