Simple 5 Point Method
to get what you want

Looking for an effective negotiation skills process? The 5 Point Method is a simple means to raise and resolve difficult conversations beyond conflict. Key to making it work is helping others get what they need.

Does this mean giving in?

No - absolutely not. You don't get what you want by compromising or giving in. But you might want to play the game a little differently, learning how to manage a more effective process - the 5 Point Method. Applying this practical method enables you to discuss and resolve even the most contentious issues. You'll see others reciprocating to help you more often while improving your professional and personal relationships.

When you apply a robust negotiating process - and make no mistake, the 5 Point Method is a powerful negotiating tool - you'll control what you get more often. Such a practical method looks a little cold in black and white but don't underestimate its effectiveness. In our 2-day Negotiation Seminars, we guide people through the process and within hours they're resolving difficult issues previously fraught with conflict.

Outline of the 5 Point Method

Here's how our step-by-step method transforms the way we talk with one another. Let's begin by defining each of the five points:

        1. Wotiwants®- the expression of our individual wants.

        2. Whyineedits® - our motivations for why we want something. Whyineedits include our greatest hopes, fears and aspirations.

        3. Wotuwants® - the expression of the other person's wants.

        4. Whyuneedits® - the other person's motivations for why they want something, including their hopes, fears and aspirations.

        5. Possabilities® - possible options to meet our needs which we have the ability to make happen.

In any negotiation, you move through the 5 Point Method sequentially. Let's apply these principles to an example most of us remember...

Frank and Denise

Frank is a 40-something father, married with 3 children, a dog, and a family home in the suburbs. You get the picture. As his 16 year old daughter, Denise, was leaving for a party one Saturday evening he said, "Make sure you're home by 11pm, ok?"

"Sure, Dad," answered Denise, who subsequently stayed out with friends until almost 3am next day. Frank was furious. Denise was in tears. And everyone was in the doldrums.

We pick up the story on Sunday about lunchtime. Frank is reading the sports papers on the table as Denise wanders in to the breakfast area and our scene is set for a difficult conversation... Frank doesn't want the usual conflict from what his family calls, Dad's Rant And Rave so he tries something new - the 5 Point Method. Investing 10 minutes earlier to prepare he asked, "What do I want?" and on a sheet of A4 paper under the heading Wotiwants wrote:

        *  I want Denise home by 11pm.
        *  I want Denise to do as she's told, without arguing with me.
        *  I want Denise to have a good time.

To anyone else, this may look overly protective, even old-fashioned. That's OK, because it's what Frank wants, and he's being honest about it. Clearly describing his Wotiwants, he completes the first part of his 5 Point Method negotiation.

Our own wants lead naturally into the second point, Whyineedits, which are sometimes called, "the mother of all Wotiwants". The more we understand about our own needs, the better our conversations can be. Its highly personal nature takes some digging to uncover but is a goldmine of information and well worth the effort. While there's only one way to satisfy what you want, there are many ways to satisfy why you need it. This multiplicity of meeting needs is what makes it so rich in possibility.

Imagine you want a drink of water. That's a Wotiwant - you want a drink of water. What's driving your need for water is for your thirst to be quenched. That's a Whyineedit. If water was unavailable, what would you do? Focusing on your Wotiwant you'd remain thirsty. But understanding your Whyineedit allows you to consume any drinkable fluid to quench your thirst. Understanding more about our needs - our Whyineedits - opens up numerous possibilities, which is why Frank identified,

        *  Security - to protect Denise's safety.

Frank wanted his daughter home by 11pm because he needs to ensure her safety, something every father feels for his children. This thinking is both intuitive and foreign to many people in our seminars - intuitive because it "feels right" and foreign because we've been conditioned to suppress rather than express our real feelings and needs. When Frank considered his second Wotiwant, the answer came more easily:

        *  Recognition - as your father, I deserve respect.

Moving onto his third Wotiwant, he began to see his daughter as a vibrant adolescent, no longer a girl, not yet an adult... realising he needed to pass responsibility for her life to Denise he wrote,

        *  Control over one's life - to see Denise grow and be happy.

At this point he smiled, making good progress to complete two parts of the 5 Point Method. He was now ready to shift the focus from himself to his daughter and discover what she wanted. He could guess. He may be pretty close to the mark. But if he really wanted to know, he must ask how she saw issues from her perspective. This won't always work, but most people in committed relationships will engage with the 5 Point Method. In our work with people around the country, we demonstrate why negotiations frequently fail; recognising the other person's Wotuwants plays a bigger role
than most people realise.

"Denise," said Frank, folding the newspaper and applying Speak From The Head, a simple technique to re-direct more appropriate behaviours, "When you came home this morning just before 3 o'clock, I felt angry and disappointed. This issue is important to me. How do you feel?"

"I feel you're being really mean!" blurted out Denise. And although Frank didn't like to hear it, knew it was a good start. "OK..." he said, "How do you see the issue?"

Over the next 15 minutes, Denise revealed what she wanted amid a flood of pent-up emotion. Resisting the temptation to defend his actions, Frank listened carefully. Smart move. Under the heading, Denise's Wotiwants, he noted 3 issues:

        *  I want to come home from the party when I want.
        *  I want to be treated like an adult.
        *  I want Dad to stop telling me what to do!

When he thought Denise had said everything, Frank asked permission to oust any remaining issues: "Is there anything else you want?"

And yes, there was. Such an emotional outpouring was a good indicator of Denise's passion about the issues. Frank then did something even more sensible - he continued to listen. The effect was palpable yet subtle, sending unspoken messages of his caring and desire to help.

Denise responded.

Ever so gently, Frank directed the conversation to discover Denise's Whyuneedits, the fourth part of our 5 Point Method, as father and daughter began to see one another in a tentative new light.

Of all the points in the 5 Point Method, it's by far the most important. The more you understand about the other person's motivations, the better your conversations can be. Good negotiations at work and in our personal life understand and deliver one another's needs and then agree to do something. Accordingly I cannot emphasise this enough - understand their Whyuneedits and you're likely to be successful.

"Now that I understand what you want," he said, "tell me Whyuneedit." Denise looked at the floor for ages. Finally, looking her father in the eyes she said quietly, "Dad, I need you to see me as a real person."

With a little prodding and applying the Ring of Golden Conversation technique, Frank uncovered Recognition. This was a breakthrough - within an hour, they would both have what they need. You see, everything Denise did was driven by her need for recognition. Both were now ready to generate lots of Possabilities in the last part of our 5 Point Method. This sense of collaboration is a powerful, natural outcome of managing emotions appropriately and working through a joint process. Not surprisingly, when we conduct the 5 Point Method in our Seminars, many participants suddenly realise the importance of discovering the other person's needs because it transforms the way we manage future discussions to resolve previously-impossible situations.

Getting the outcomes we need

Sitting side-by-side, Frank wrote "Possabilities" and over the next half an hour, enjoyed a really open discussion with his daughter like they used to have years ago. The barriers protecting each other's territory had come down, liberating one another to generate lots of ideas.

Like to see the Possabilities they came up with? The first of their Whyineedits was Frank's need for security in protecting his daughter's safety, alongside Denise's need for recognition from her father to be seen as independent. They proposed,

        *  Denise to call Dad on my mobile if I need help.

Denise suggested that while it remained her responsibility to get home, if she happened to miss the last bus, "Dad's taxi service" could be called no matter how far away she was. Frank agreed, asking for the address of the party or where she was planning to go, so he could find his way in the street directory if requested. Both felt good about their safety net, in case of emergency.

Their second Whyineedits involved Frank's need for recognition - as her father, he deserved respect - which they matched to Denise's need for Dad to recognise her as an independent person. Together they offered,

        *  To agree to a new level of respect for one another.

Seeing one another in a new light they launched into their final Whyineedits with gusto. Frank needed to have control over his own life, allowing his daughter to grow and be happy. Denise needed recognition, for her father to see her as independent. The third Possability they generated was,

        *  Other family situations for Denise to grow.

Taking turns to nominate issues such as childminding, more flexible study times, and an increased allowance for completing chores, Denise suggested driving the family car when she passes her driver's licence next year. "Sounds good to me," said Frank.

"Yeah, doesn't it? I thought you were going to bawl me out. I am sooo glad you discussed it like a normal human being, Dad."

"Well," said a clearly relieved Frank, "after such a good session with my daughter, I need some lunch."

"Why do you need that?" asked Denise, eyeing his ample frame. "Looks like you've already eaten it!"

The 5 Point Method

Our goal at Negotiation Beyond Conflict is to develop simple and effective negotiation skills to raise and resolve difficult issues. If you're seeking a level of mastery in resolving conflict, the 5 Point Method is as easy as 1-2-3 ... 4 and 5!

If we seem like the sort of people you'd like to work with, contact us to discuss further.